The Messy Middle of Therapy: When It Gets Harder Before It Gets Better

There's a phase in therapy nobody warns you about. You've been going for a few weeks, or a few months, and things feel harder than when you started. Well, that’s not really a welcome feeling at best and at worst, after all, you are here to make progress - to feel better. But hang on, it's not necessarily a sign something is wrong. It might be the work doing what it's supposed to do.

What the messy middle looks like

You were feeling better at first when therapy started. There is the relief of someone finally hearing you. Some catharsis and recognition. The sense that something was shifting and you were taking action.

Then it changed. The sessions got harder. Heavier. You started touching things that had been buried for a long time. You wanted to focus on your divorce, so why is it that you’re talking about being bullied in school and feeling all of the associated uncomfortable feelings? And instead of the calm clarity you expected, you got confused. Irritable. Unexpected tears. A kind of rawness you weren't prepared for.

This is the messy middle. And it's real.

Why it gets harder

At its best, therapy isn’t simply about making you feel happier… It brings you into contact with things you've been managing from a distance.

When you first start depth work, there's often a kind of honeymoon phase. Finally, someone gets it. Finally, you can say the things you've been carrying. That feels like relief.

But then the work goes deeper. Past the story you've been telling about yourself and into the experience underneath it. Past the understanding and into the feeling.

That's where it gets uncomfortable. Because the feelings that have been buried are buried for a reason. The parts of you that pushed them down were trying to protect you. And when those dynamics start to surface - as they need to - the protective parts aren’t too sure of what to do…

You might feel more anxious. More sad. More reactive. Not because therapy is making you worse, but because real change is underway. And change can feel like a lot before it feels like relief.

How to tell if it's the work or if something is wrong

This is the honest, complicated part.

Sometimes the difficulty is the work. Things feel harder because you're touching something real. The discomfort is a sign that the therapy is reaching the places that need reaching.

But sometimes the difficulty is a sign that the fit isn't right. Or that the therapist isn't holding the work well. Or that you're stuck in a pattern within the therapy itself.

Here are some questions to sit with:

Do you feel held? Even when it's hard, do you trust the person across from you won’t judge or criticize you? Do you feel like they can handle what's coming up? Does the stuck feeling feel familiar?

Is something happening? Therapy isn’t what you see in the movies where it’s one breakthrough after another… But over time, are you noticing shifts? Are you meeting parts of yourself you didn't know were there? Is there more space inside for you to notice versus just react?

Do you feel seen? Not soothed or not managed, but seen. Is this person kind of getting you in a way that matters?

If the answer to those questions is yes, and it still feels hard, you're probably in the messy middle. Stay with it.

If the answer to those questions is no, it might be about the fit. It’s really important to bring it up and let your therapist know.

What to do when you want to quit

The urge to quit therapy often comes right before something important is about to break through. Not always, but often.

You wouldn't be the first to feel it. A 2012 meta-analysis of 669 studies found about one in five adults leaves therapy before the work is done. The messy middle is where most of that leaving happens.

The part of you that wants to leave might be the same part that's been managing everything from the outside for years. The part that says "I've got this, I don't need help, this is making things worse."

Before you quit, try something. Tell your therapist you want to quit. Say it directly. "I'm thinking about stopping." And see what happens.

A good therapist won't try to convince you to stay. They'll get curious about it. What's coming up? What feels different? What part of you wants to leave?

That conversation might be the most important one you have in the whole process.

The other side

The messy middle doesn't last forever. It doesn't resolve neatly, either. But at some point, things kind of settle into a different place.

The research is on your side here. The American Psychological Association reports that about 75 percent of people who enter psychotherapy benefit from it. Staying through the middle is usually how you get there.

You notice you're responding differently to things that used to trigger you. You feel something you would have pushed down six months ago. You have a moment of "this is so weird, but I actually feel different" and you can't explain how you got here.

That's not because you learned something new. It's because something old finally got met. And it stopped running the show.

The messy middle is the price of that. It's real. It's uncomfortable. And it's worth it.